Oops He did it again

It was fun while it lasted. The whole "let's not feel like we want to jump out a window and end it all".....I was just starting to feel good. Human. Real. And he did it again.

I went to see the nurse. Nurse practioner she was. A real work of art. Jill, dear, I didn't go to school to do your job. But um, taking a call (cell) while you are talking to a woman whose hand you refuse to shake because you are afraid of the swine flu--it just doesn't look good. Filing your nails while asking me about my dead baby brothers--bad form.

Where the hell do I find these people???

And, no, I really had no intention of going back to her, but still....paying the bill would be nice. The option of going back would be nice. Instead, I have a half used prescription for prozac. Half used because I was feeling better and I knew this was going to happen so I figured I'd save the other half for when I was feeling worse. And yes, I know it doesn't work that way, but I start feeling better within a week and a half, so, I'll be able to buy some time before I get to my doctor and beg him to give me a script.

I'm done with therapy. I just can't seem to find a therapist who isn't crazier than I am. The last one I had was a real loon, she was way way out there, saying stuff I feel was way inappropriate. Like mentioning I talk a lot. Jeez, Louise, this is therapy, I'm supposed to talk.

I actually had a therapist who I really liked.....and yes, Paul stopped paying her. I think we owe her $35.00.

I think I'm just gonna give up. Happiness is for the weak.

Oh Hell, I Dunno!!! I'll Call This Mom Behaving Badly

There's a lot of stuff going on with us now. And if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you've long figured out that I'm not the most prolific writer you've ever read. And if I am, exactly what the hell are you reading???

So, because it has been so long since I've written on a regular basis, and because I can't for the life of me ever seem to get the whole bulletpoint thing to look like I was not impared when setting it up, I'll just spew forth what's been going on. In other words, the shit which is my life....

I called a shrink. Couldn't get me in anytime this century, but he does have a nurse who would be willing to talk to me, if that would be ok. I felt bad for his receptionist. I think she was trying to feel me out and didn't know what to think. Really.....I sound normal and all. Am not suicidal. (do I feel like I'd just like to go and curl up and die??? Sure. Would I actually do it?? Nope. I'm too Catholic to risk eternal hell) If that sounds insensitive, I'm sorry. Since I don't know everything about the universe and haven't actually had a back and forth conversation with God, I don't know whether or not He'd actually doom anyone to eternal Hell, I just don't want to take a chance. Sooooo....back on track, Sheri. She asked me if I would mind taking to a man, or a woman and all that jazz. I finally told her, that I don't care. I've pretty much put my life out there and I have a big friggin mouth. If it means I can get some prozac and feel normal again, I'll talk to her if she'd like. Monday is the day. The nurse's name is Jill. Pray for her.

I went to Quinn's annual case review-aka-case conference. This one was a biggie. We were discussing his test results and what steps, if any, were going to be taken to help him with kindergarten. The test results should have gotten to me a full week before the conference, and I didn't get them. Why?? The psychologist and teacher had not finished typing them up. Then, when I requested them, I was told that it was my fault for not requesting them early. uuummm...no. They are supposed to send them early and if I want the results explained to me, then I have to request a meeting with the psychologist who will have to meet with me a week before the conference to explain how all the testing is done and the results. Which is a waste of time, because she will not comment how these tests will affect (or it is effect??) placement.... a just-the-facts meeting. And my mind tends to wander...wander straight to the tragedy.

Which brings us to a couple of days before the conference...I finally got the results in my hot fat hands, and read them. It seemed like the only thing that was being proposed was that he continue speech. Oh Jeebus....not good. Not good at all. A month earlier, Quinn's best friend had been just offered speech. That child was on the spectrum and all that jazz. Now this is happening to Quinn. I was pissed. And that never ends well. I called his teacher, yelled at her. Didn't allow him to go to school.....While his preschool teacher tried to calm me down, (and by this point, there was no calming me down) I called the school psychologist a c*nt (insert your vowel of choice). And then I took my fight to Facebook. And called our district's special ed cooperative every name in the book.

Yep, I sucked. By the time Paul got home, I was fairly hysterical. And of course, he got mad. From there we came up with a plan. We were going to the case conference and going to agree with everything. And then tell the principal I would no longer like to be subjected to daily calls from his kindergarten teacher....if there was a problem, she could call his school psychologist since, obviously, the psychologist knew him so much better than I did. Our prediction was he was probably going to flunk kindergarten or at best have an awful year, and after kindergarten, I'd homeschool him. Yeah, because if you have been reading, I'm a tower of strength and patience with Quinn.

Another day passed and I started thinking and researching homeschooling, and yep, I could do it. But maybe I should just go in and hear them out. I was still mad, and had even went through with calling his grade school and asking to take him out of the lottery for full day kindergarten.

Paul also had been thinking and finding out he couldn't go because work wouldn't allow him time off. But he wanted me to fight. And I do know my shit when it comes to the special education laws. So off to mom and dad's to print out a letter saying I did not agree with testing and I wanted it re-done at public expense. I made 2 phone calls to a state agency just to make sure I was doing the right stuff in the right order. And these people are great for helping. Then I went through my newest copy of the laws pertaining to special education, and highlighted what I thought would help me with Quinn. And then I read the notebook just to make sure there wasn't something I needed to mark in it to make a point.

Each one of my kids has his own notebook. Whenever I call the school for any reason, or they call me, I mark down who called, when and why....even if I call and leave a message for someone, I write it down. I've had to use it a number of times for Nate and Matt. Because someone always claims they didn't get a message....or that wasn't said. or maybe they didn't recall saying something. Those notebooks are my official "cover-your-ass" lifesavers.

Once again, I digress.....so, I'm battle ready. His teacher knows I'm pissed. I make as little eye contact as possible with them except Quinn's future principal. I like her. The meeting starts. And the psychologist starts to explain all the tests to me. Exactly how they are done--what the average scores are....how Quinn did. This was really a first for me, she had never really done that before, even when a meeting was requested beforehand, another psychologist showed--one that had not tested my child and didn't want to say anything about what was average and how it was used to figure into the big picture.

From there, I asked all my questions. Why were they kicking him out?? What would we do if he needed more help?? I expressed my fears. I felt pretty good about where Nate was when he entered kindergarten....with Quinn, not so much. I worried about the impulsivity, the hyperactiveness. I mentioned our home visit with his preschool teacher and she admitted that Quinn was extremely hyper at home. She did admit he was not the angel that was portrayed in the tests, but he was not as crazy as he was at home. Just hearing that made me feel better, I was starting to worry that I was the only one seeing my child acting like a tornado.

The case conference committee decided that he needed to finish out the year in preschool. And it was strongly suggested that Quinn go to his doctor for ADHD testing. Since he is receiving speech services, he will continue to stay in special education, he just wouldn't be receiving services....and should he need more services, he will get them without having to retest and go through hoops like we did with Nate.

His principal kept on saying "you know when he has Mrs. A, she'll take care of him. She fought for Matt didn't she??" Well, yes, but I withdrew him from consideration for all day kindergarten. And would that be in his best interest??? And the biggie, would he even get all day kindergarten since we work on a lottery system. First, they fill spaces allotted to children at their home school. Then if there are extra spaces at another school, a child can go to that school even if it isn't considered his/her home school. Quinn might not get picked at all or he might have to go to another grade school for kindergarten (Nate did this). The principal told me "he's staying with us. He'll have Mrs. A. " She went on to explain that she wanted to make sure she was there to oversee what was going on, and she couldn't do that unless she made sure he was at her school.

I figured out I've been to 30 case conferences between the three boys. None of them, until now, have been positive and caring and not a mom vs school. This is what the system should be....and it isn't because Quinn is going to full day kindergarten, but it is because they figured it out. They actually give a damn. They listened to me and they want to do what is right for Quinn.

I can't believe it.

So, Chris, forgive me. School psychologist, I'm sorry for calling you a God-awful name I don't use lightly. And Mrs. A......the kindergarten teacher who will be teaching Quinn next year, I'll be praying for you...

And to Nate and soon, Quinn's principal, thank you for caring about my boys, for seeing them as the unique and loving children they are....for wanting to make sure they get the best possible education you can offer to them. And for making my life a little easier by allowing me to not be so angry at a system that I was sure was going to fail my kids.

I'm emotionally spent for now, and it is getting late, so next time, I'll let you know how the shrink visit went, and talk about T-ball with a 5 and 6 year-old.

Have a great day, Internet people.

Knock knock--Anyone home???

Honey, I'm home!!! Actually, I haven't left. i just haven't had much to say.....on my blog. Anyone who might have friended me on Facebook knows I can't shut up.

Not that I* haven't thought about blogging, mind you. Because I do. Everyday. And I read blogs everyday. I just haven't commented a lot. And I know why....

I'm depressed. Again. Not that it ever really goes away. And I can't seem to figure out why. Other than reading that two blogger's babies have died within a week, and if that isn't depressing, I sure don't know what is.

I haven't blogged since Feb. 23....two days before I turned 41. My birthday was just another day. I was sick with the "cough till you pee your pants" bug. My friend, Lisa, took me out to lunch the weekend following my birthday, Paul took me to dinner. Cute presents. Cake with the kids.....not a bad time, as long as I wasn't peeing myself because of coughing.

All three boys are doing ok. Paul is fine. Our marriage is good, I'd say.

But really, I can't stand feeling like this. Why don't you do something about it you say?? Well, in a nutshell, I've been on medication before. And I do well on it....great in fact. Not answering your question you say??? OK.....my husband is a great guy, but he sucks big time in paying his bills. We don't do credit cards because of this....and it seems like when I start feeling better, and the doctor's statement comes in the mail, he doesn't pay it. And I start not feeling so great, because you know, doctors don't work for free. So, even though we have insurance, and even though we can afford for me to go to the doctor, I don't go because I don't want to feel great and then go right downhill because my husband "forgets" to pay my medical bill.

Why don't I pay the bill??? I'd love to, but um, I don't have my own money. I know this is making him sound like an idiot, which he is not, but it is the truth. I get money for household stuff, clothes shopping and the like, but on the whole, he handles everything else (and he sucks at it).

So, a few days ago, I finally looked at him and said, "I am having a hard time dealing now. It isn't you or anything you have done. I feel like I'm not here. I feel lonely. I hurt all the time and there are times I wish I were dead. I'm tired of feeling like this, but I'm more afraid of getting help and then bam....nothing because you won't pay for it. Please help me." The look on his face said it all. He called his insurance, got the name of the doctors that our insurance covers and told me to pick one. Right now, I'm waiting for a return call.

Hopefully, I'll get in to see someone soon, I'll do the talk therapy/prozac thing and soon enough, I'll feel human again.

Sickety Sick Sick

That would be the word here. Paul and Matt are the only ones who aren't sick--yet.

Nate is running a fever and is on antibiotics for a sinus infection. Quinn has the cold stuff: runny nose, dry cough etc. He's a little peeved because Nate got to go to the doctor, but he didn't go. Yep, my kids love our doctor. He's in his 50's and is very nice.

I'm just sick enough for things to be annoying. The cough and the drippy nose. I've been sicker. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon. But it is a great excuse for hot tea and sitting on my ass.

The boys were arguing over which movie to watch. Nate wanted "The Land Before Time" and Quinn wanted some Power Rangers thing. I've been getting tired of being a ref so I told them if they couldn't figure it out on their own, I'd pick a movie and then they could work it out. And we'd watch the movies I want to watch until they agreed. We are on our second Disney Sing-a-Long video. I think they gave up.

Oh, well, I'm off to watch classic Disney stuff. Have a great day, internet.

Two Steps Forward and Two Steps Back

Here in Hoosier Hell, there are several different types of diplomas when one graduates from high school: core 40, technology, honors, and if one cannot complete one of those, there's the certificate of completion. A certificate of completion isn't really worth the paper it is written on, but it is an option.

It was Matt's option.

You see, to get an actual diploma, you have to pass the ISTEP and another test. If you can't pass the ISTEP, you can still get a diploma BUT you have to do the following--take the test each time it is offered, go to the special classes they offer on taking the test each time you fail, maintain a C average, not miss more than 7 days of school, and finally, if you do all this and you can get an English and Math teacher to sign a paper saying the student is freshman proficient in those subjects AND then have the principal sign off--you can get a diploma.

Matt was on the diploma track his freshman year. I wanted him to get the diploma. Our case conferences for him were hell. There were a ton of them too. The regular ed teachers were not in the least bit interested in federal laws and what they had to do. The special ed teachers just wanted me to go away. These people broke no fewer than 6 laws during the first 8 weeks of school. I called the state's department of education and they begged me to file a complaint. The only problem was, if I had filed the complaint, our school system would have lost funding for special education. So, I would have gotten my point across, but shot my kid and every other special needs kid in the foot in the process.

Halfway through his freshman year, I did something I had never done in the past. I gave up. It was all too much. Matt either couldn't or didn't want to do the hours and hours of homework. The meetings were just nasty. His teachers were practically daring me to turn them in. And I just didn't have any fight in me anymore. I had a two year old and a one year old at home. And they had issues too.

When I signed papers allowing Matt to be on the certificate track, I was told it would be for "the best" because he would qualify for all kinds of help after graduation. He would get job training, and even social help via a "waiver" program run by our state. They guaranteed it.

Matt had a great time in high school. He made the honor roll. He ran track and cross country. He went to all the dances. He was the man. Everyone knew him, and they liked him.

Then he graduated. And got a job--at Dairy Queen. The job was only for a few hours a week but he had a job coach and was happy. The Dairy Queen he worked at closes for three months during the winter, so he was laid off.

His job coach told me the state pays for her services for 90 days and that we needed to apply for the waiver. So, we did. That was a joke. The caseworker asked me questions about what he can and cannot do. And he had to read a short story. At the end of the story he had to answer questions......and here's where things get wierd. Matt can read at a 4-5th grade level but his comprehension level is closer to 2nd grade. He read the article, but couldn't figure out how to answer the questions, so the woman who was testing him showed him the answers and had him read them.....and counted them as correct.

He was declined services because he passed these "tests". Well, duuuuhhh.... I could pass an advanced algebra test if someone gave me the answers--and I don't know advanced algebra.

I was so pissed I could have screamed. And there's no recourse. We found out on December 23, and sent the papers back requesting mediation. I was told that they haven't received them and since they had not received them within the 15 days, there will be no mediation.

I was mad, didn't know what to do and finally called a school board member. She called the head of our cooperative and that person called me back. Matt was eligible to go back to high school until he turns 21.

He wasn't happy with this at first, but has come around. He is there from 10-1 and eats lunch at school.

Hopefully, something good will come of all this. I can't find anything yet, but I'm not giving up hope.

My Life is sooo Bulletworthy!!!

I'm around. I'm here. But I seriously doubt anyone is interested in what little is happening in my life.....then there was Valentine's Day, which I would have written about, but really, are you interested in knowing about my love life??? Probably not. What I'm trying to say is that nothing really postworthy is happening now, but lots of little stuff is, so it's bullet time.

• I got a great report about Nate. His teacher is really impressed with his effort in class. This is such a refreshing change from her usual "I'm not sure if his meds are working" call.
• Matt is back in high school. He is taking a job class and a math class. He needs the socialization.
• The great abyss is getting close to being completely gutted. Lots of crap has been thrown away. I thought it would take a week or so, but I was so wrong. We are close to filling our storage unit. After we get done moving the rest of our stuff, we are going to start tearing down walls. Fun!!!
• Had a case conference for Quinn. I don't know why they bothered since I will have to go back within the next two weeks to find out his test results. The speech therapist told me she was not ready to release him yet, so it looks like he will remain at his local preschool.
• Paul and I went "away" for Valentine's Day. We left the boys with my parents. We found out the hard way, it isn't worth it. Really. One day, they'll be gone and we will have our time. My dad called them little spoiled brats, because they didn't want to watch tv for 6 hours at a time. I'm not putting my kids through this again.

Facebook Addiction and Being Alone

Matt is 19. Matt is technically saavy. Matt has been trying to get me to do Facebook for probably the past two years. Within the past month or so, I finally did it, and I'm friggin addicted. Love.the.Facebook. I've either found or been found by people I haven't talked to in years. And it is nice. I've heard of people who don't like Facebook, but they probably get out a lot and all that. I'm fairly homebodyish, so when I get a chance to interact with actual grown adults, I'm so there.

Paul has taken the boys for a haircut. And I'm alone in the house. Not used to being by myself. When the two youngest are in school, Matt is around. He's gone and then Quinn is home. I haven't had the whole house to myself in -- seemingly forever. It's wierd. Quiet.

If Quinn gets into full day kindergarten next year, I'll have a lot of this.

I'll probably just Facebook.